Heart, broken; bottle, open
Wanna scream, but no sound will come out.
Trying to cope and I'm still hoping
that you'll get your shit together and come around.

Drawn, like a moth to a flame, I got burned
Maybe in time, I can say this was just a lesson learned.

Perfectly fine before you were mine
Just want to be able to call you my own.
Hard to breathe, I get no sleep
Maybe it's true; that I'm really better off alone.

Relentless thoughts of you as I toss and turn
Maybe in time, I can say this was just a lesson learned.

I'm not one for writing love songs, but there's just something about you
You were testing me this entire time; how did I do?
Oh, but I know you'll miss me when you're with her
and her, and her...

Maybe in time, I can say you were just a lesson learned. 

---

work in 6 hours, but it's time to visit my piano again at the moment. Look at you, you've got me writing songs.

I came back to this xanga when a friend of mine--let's call him Matt--randomly texted me yesterday saying "Would you say you have attitude?" and I responded "yes..?" and he replied, "So it's completely within reason to call you a xgirlxwithxattitudex?"

I forgot about this xanga. All of my xanga friends and followers, I have returned; tumblr just doesn't do it for me. :P

But I digress. I came back to this blog hoping to vent--I experienced one of the worse pains I could feel at this point: heartbreak. I was ready to spill the beans on what's been happening with me and this guy--the aforementioned Matt--and how he broke my heart just this past weekend...but then I saw that I haven't written here since November 2010. a time when I was a completely different person. I was picking myself back up, rebuilding my self-respect and self-worth. I was under much scrutiny and judgment, much of it self-imposed; I was suffering from guilt; I was suffering in general; I was depressed; I was not 'me.'

This year, I got accepted into something called Kollaboration DC. It's a nationwide movement that exposes Asian-American talent. If you've heard of Far East Movement, Kollaboration is how they got their start! I auditioned for it last year but didn't get in. I auditioned again this year, and I got the call on my birthday, of all days, that I was accepted along with 8 other acts to perform in a showcase on September 17. Over the summer, we recorded a track--an acoustic medley of "Give Me Everything" by Pitbull and Neyo, "Good Life" by One Republic, and "Moment 4 Life" by Nicki Minaj--and even filmed a music video to it to promote it (you can watch the video here! I'm the first one that that pops up, in the red & black dress). We also had photoshoots, and a poster with my face on it was plastered up all over Annandale, a giant Asian community in northern Virginia. I did not place in the competition, but there was someone in the audience who ended up getting me to audition for something called the KORUS festival, which is an annual korean-american festival that happens in Northern Virginia, hosted by the Korea Times and the Korean Embassy. Thousands of people attend every year. I auditioned and got into that as well. I didn't place in that either. But then, someone saw me at the festival and decided I was worthy of a Fast Trak Pass to try out for season 7 of America's Got Talent; I got invited to audition! I didn't have to wait in line (though I did have to drive back up 250 miles from school to audition, in DC). I don't think I got accepted into that, either. I'm supposed to find out in January if I did, but I don't expect anything.

All of these things may sound like failures to you: after all, I hadn't won anything. But they were major successes to me, each one; I succeeded in finding myself again through performance and music, through chasing after my dreams. And I've been getting much more opportunities through these gigs.

I also started working at Chipotle, and it's been pretty great. Chipotle's not like other fast-food restaurants. Chipotle's all about integrity and changing the way people think about fast food, empowering their employees to elevate themselves, each other, and the Chipotle culture. You gotta really take the job seriously if you're gonna work there, no joke. You can't half-ass anything, and you always have to be doing something when you're on the clock. It's really not just a part-time job, it's a LIFESTYLE! So, I've been juggling working 20-30 hours a week in addition to taking 9 classes a semester. This is also my last year in undergrad. Yes, time to face the real world soon...

My point is, I can't even fathom how much I've changed since then. I've met so many people, so many amazing people that have helped build me back up to who I am. I finally understand what people mean when they say that you need to learn who your true friends are, and I did. And I am very happy with myself and my life. :)

(This was written on May 31, 2010; I didn't make it 'public' until today, October 8)

Who (or more appropriately, what) was I five years ago?

An egotistical, "woe-is-me" attention whore.

Who/What the hell am I now?

I'm not even sure.

I've lost my self. The more I know, the less I understand (oh, Don Henley). But still, there is so much I don't know, and even less I understand.

When did I become this person that cared so much about what people thought of her? Every little seemingly-negative behavior coming from another person towards me will be subject to days and perhaps weeks of my scrutiny. When did I become so easily enraged? My anger develops steadily and surely, forebodingly, with no sign of stopping once it starts nor reasoning with its strength. My anger is cancerous; it grossly mutates and rarely shows mercy. I sometimes like to call it "standing up for myself," and maybe I'm right to call it that, but it feels more vindicative than self-respecting when I do so.

When did I become so judgmental? I feel as though I deliberately search for flaws and/or mistakes in other people to give me justification for disliking them. I sometimes spout judgmental comments about random strangers and passersby (and--God forbid--somebody that I know that I simply don't like for who knows what legitimate reason), but... When did I become so hypocritical? I feel as though I preach one side of me yet demonstrate another. When did I become so abrasive? I feel as though every other sentence streaming from my lips is foaming with abuse and condescending sarcasm. When did I become so hateful?

I feel as though I may have, perhaps, always been this way.

Was I really ever nice? Was I ever the compassionate, selfless person I so (selfishly) often claimed to be? Has much changed in myself from my 15-year old days, apart from my superficial predicaments and my ostentatious vernacular? Did I ever truly sacrifice anything without secretly expecting something in return?

I feel as though I have harmed more people than I have helped.

Please; I need salvation.

I blame my anger and judgments on this and that, refusing to take responsibility for myself unless there's really no way to escape it or if, by characteristically self-centered expectations, I expect acknowledgement for taking the responsibility. I'm angry because of what he did to me. I'm judgmental because she rubbed off on me. I scream abuse because I grew up that way. I am a hypocrite because I am not perfect.

I am not perfect. And so, I am not free from the gaze of suspicious eyes or the words of slanderous tongues. I am not free from the thoughts of judgmental minds or even from my own mind. I am not free from my own damn thoughts.

I. I, I, I.

You?